Before I get into the meat of why I settled, let me be brutally honest. As a body-positive advocate and bodylove/curve model in 2017, I feel I need to make a few things clear.
I consider myself pretty. Like probably an 8 or 9 on the hotness scale. (I’m working towards seeing myself as a 10, but I’m not quite there yet.) I may not be every person’s cup of tea, but if you’re into exotic, curvy, all-natural, vivacious brunettes – you’re probably going to like me. That being said, I didn’t always have this healthy dose of female confidence. Now onto the meat of this post…
I love to #laugh, I’m intuitive, I feel your pain, I can sometimes see the future, I love being a natural #curvygirl, I love deeply but w/o attachment, I’ve survived, I have #purpose, I do what I want, I pursue unrealistic dreams. Xo jennylyn 🌹 . . . #curvy #dreamer #dreams #goals #inspiration #motivation #plussize #laughter #laughing #happy #smiles #joy #beauty
Land of The Beautiful
I grew up in Orange County, California – land of conservative, white, rich blonds. God bless all my traditionally stunning friends, but I never felt I could keep up. I was a chubby Asian, and my parents were always financially strapped. I developed big boobs early, which traumatized me to no end (don’t get me started). I basically spent my childhood feeling like a freak of nature.
I could go on and on about how being different from the girls in my school made me feel awful, but I’ll save that for another time. All that matters, for the sake of this writing, is that I’ve since healed and left bodyhate behind. As a 37-year-old woman in a refreshingly body positive world, I’ve developed a selflove I never thought possible.
Attractive Men Have Always Liked Me
Not to say attractive guys never noticed me – which actually left me perpetually confused? The minute I sensed a bit of attraction between myself and a hot guy, I became embarrassed and awkward. I had crushes on cute guys, but never had the confidence to allow them to get close to me. I was too afraid I’d disappoint them, or not be pretty or interesting enough to hold their attention. Or even worse, that my boobs were so big I’d scar them for life! (Not kidding.)
Because I often dated boys who were technically considered less attractive than myself, I often got comments such as, “You’re too pretty for him.”
People would say things like, “What did he do to get a girl like you?”
I felt confused because what they were saying was so opposite from how I felt inside. I felt I only deserved a man whom I was mildly into, because the hottie I really wanted was simply out-of my league.
Out of maybe 25 different guys I dated (most of them very short-term/casual) prior to turning 30, I’d say there were maybe 3 whom I was genuinely attracted to.
My 3 Famous Hotties
This first hot kid I dated was my jr. high boyfriend, Josh – who broke up with me after his baseball team made fun of him for dating me. It was nothing about me as a person, but because I was fat with big boobs. We dated for I think 2 months during the first semester of the 8th grade? To be fair, he confessed to me at the end of the year (under the bleachers, to be exact) that breaking up with me was the stupidest thing he ever did. #smartkid #puppylove
And then there was my high school boyfriend, Hans, who was, in my eyes, breathtakingly athletic and gorgeous. He decided to date me on the down-low for the same exact reason – the guys on his sports teams teased him relentlessly for kissing a fat girl. Mind you, I was maybe 25 pounds overweight with a D chest – a true sin back in the 90s in the OC. I’ll never forget the time we drove by his friends and he ducked in the car. Hans and I were in an uncommitted, secret relationship for maybe 1 year. #totalpunk
The only other man I dated whom I genuinely had the hots for was a big-hearted Christian man named Frank, around the age of 28. Frank was everything I ever desired: handsome, hazel-eyed, smart and successful. (I’ll admit, he was kinda short – but now and then a short dude just has it goin on.) He genuinely liked me, but probably sensed my fear, awkwardness and desperation. I simply could not hide my insecurity; this was the first time I had ever dated a truly marriage-worthy man.
Being that I was, at the time, quite the conservative Christian, I became unhealthily focused on courtship and marriage (rather than actually getting to know him). I scared the poor guy off, pronto. He started having panic attacks at the thought of a serious commitment and we both just kinda called it quits. Despite the fact that we exchanged I love yous and planned to date with intention, neither of us had the maturity or communication skills to work through our issues – and so we were done within a hot month. #gonewiththewindbaby
So that makes up my 3 hot boyfriends [during my prime years of life], amidst a slew of dudes whom I, quite frankly, wasn’t that into. Guys that took up money, time and emotions that could have been invested in bettering my life. Some of these men were great guys, and would have been another woman’s ideal mate – but for me, I knew I was settling. My lack of interest in affection and sexual intimacy was more than enough evidence of my feelings. My life has consisted of lots of friendship/companionship, but very little real romance.
Unsocialized and Inexperienced With Attractive Men
I will say, I think I’ve also opted for unattractive men because I was simply afraid of men in general – something I’m still working through. After being teased and bullied my entire childhood for my looks and outgoing personality, I learned to distance myself from the entire male race. (I am literally that girl you see in a club surrounded by chics, unable to break through the force of femininity around her.) Being shy around men, I’ve often felt unable to fully express my personality, particularly if I am smitten. Due to self-inflicted isolation, I have always felt less than adequate in my socialization skills with men I liked.
And that comes to my thoughts on socialization with the men you truly desire. When was the last time you held your head high, smiled and acted like your genuine, beautiful, kind self – around a man whom you adored? For many women, it’s hard.
I always joke that hot men of the world get treated the worst by women, because we are intimidated by them. I have always been twice as kind to men whom I was un-attracted to, simply because I felt more comfortable to relax and be myself. After all, there wasn’t as much to lose if he disliked me. So if you are my version of an Adonis, consider yourself lucky to get a smile from me. Odds are, I may ignore you altogether. This behavior is becoming less and less, but I will admit – this is still my subconscious tendency.
Coming Into My Own Beauty In My 30s
Something important to note is that most of this desperate dating happened during my childhood and 20s. As I entered my 30s, the body-positive movement began picking up and I developed a newfound sense of confidence. Over the past few years, my self-worth has continued to climb, which has allowed me to make better and better choices in dating.
My 30s have been an overall brilliant phase of my life, mostly because I have been released from all food addictions/eating disorders, found my own sexy sense of style and somehow blossomed into a radiant curvygirl – seemingly overnight. However, old habits of desperation die hard, and I will shamefully admit I have dated a few clunkers in my 30s. But overall, I’ve been much better about following my heart and making sure the sexual attraction was strong.
How We Can Stop Settling
First, we need to learn to socialize comfortably with the men we find most attractive. We need to learn to relax, be friendly and open ourselves up to the very kind of men that intimidate us most. If he scares you a bit, he just might be the one. Being nervous around a man is a great sign of sexual attraction. I see socialization as something that must be practiced often. I find church, meetups, bars/clubs and even coffee shops to be a good place to practice getting comfortable.
Second, we need to learn to let go of man’s timeline and be patient. Throw out the timeline of – I’ve been single for too long I need me a man and kid – immediately. We must let-go of the pressure that the world has put on us to marry and reproduce before age 35. There are lessons your soulmate needs before God brings him to you, and there is growth you need before meeting him. Surrendering to God’s timeline, rather than the world’s, relieves a great deal of the pain of singleness.
I’m 37 and often think – if I find my soulmate within the next few years it’ll be wonderful. We can marry and have a family and build a life together. But if I meet him in 10 years, I’ll be ok, too. I really will. We can adopt, or build an orphanage, or maybe get a miracle baby in our late 40s! Crazier things have happened. In order to attract our dream partner we must be relaxed; we must surrender to God’s timing, rather than the timing of society.
And thirdly, I recommend focusing on selflove, success and personal growth during our single years. I do things like pedicures, cute new clothes, amazing skincare and workouts to keep me youthful. I imagine the kind of man I hope to one day marry (think Bill Rancic from The Apprentice), and I imagine myself as his equal. Without beating myself up, I challenge myself to step into the kind of woman that would be his greatest delight. This means self-help, spiritual growth and generating meaningful success in my own life. Singleness is the best time to love, pamper and improve yourself. You know what areas you personally need to tend to, as they are different for each woman.
Patience And Selflove Is The Key
In conclusion, I don’t recommend settling. I recommend waiting, and enjoying your single life! I recommend embracing the fact that life is actually really long, and that God intends to fulfill your desires for love and companionship – eventually. At the right time and place. I recommend stepping into your most beautiful, patient, kind and loving self. I believe it’s important to learn to socialize with all kinds of men, namely, the ones you find to be single and hot! All these things will inevitably bring my Bill to me, and your love to you.
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